DAM* DAM* dam* it!!! what the fould foul filth foul filthy foul heck is wrong with me?
i finally, after these six long months in a cryptic love labrinyth, i received a full fledged concrete tangible answer from the Lord my God, and I do everything but praise Him: i became sad, tired, upset, depressed, ignorant, and now im so angry that i can't even think straight.
*which is why i wrote this blog in my sketchbook, instead of taking a nap. it seems that my honest and truest thoughts come alive and clearer when i write about them.*
I don't know what i was thinking...God had thrown a red flag right when she first kissed me. But I wanted to believe that I was ready to take on this unexplored arena that we call love. In spite of my understanding that God wanted me not to date until college...well nevermind technically i still haven't been on a date. For i have never dated her, we were never official, we were just close friends...with strong feelings...who kissed.
Falling in, i believe we were falling together. I of course never having been in love before, fell to my doom. For she is currently in love with another guy, and i was the unexpected, unplanned, unexplained, unrefused icing on the cake. She's dated him for 3 years and several months and i was a fool for thinking she would ever love me as much as she loves him.
I still have a lot of questions, did she know deep down we should have stopped before it began?
I think so, for petes sake (XD irony) or wilpps sake she should have believed that somewhere deep down....why me? why did she love me?
~if i could i go back in time would i try to stop it?... would she? i honestly don't think i would...because in spite of the pain/depression i felt at times, the joy of the love we shared trumped every EMOtion.
i think it had to be that type of love that forms when one person likes the other and then the other falls for the liker simply out of the fact that someone likes them. Or it was both of us falling in love with the thoughts of the other liking them....idk.
~its unexplained, and it was a love that we both strongly wanted, so it doens't matter
Bottom line is, she loves him and i truly have to move on, there's no doubt in my mind as opposed to times before when i/we said i needed to move on before now.
Positives: 1) there is a friendship still here...friendship that needs to be reconstructed for the better of us. To a point where we can say i love you and not have one fall for the other. 2) i do believe that i was used -in the times when i fully relied and trusted God- by Him and planted seeds into her life that have a chance to positively enhance/rebirth her christian walk. 3) i feel a since of freedom and relief from the burden of love itself (thats personification; she was not a burden) . i do not want it to return for a loooong while...old doors have been reopened and i will hopefully be able to think clearer.
I do...honestly....i do hope she is complete, happy, blessed and content with him and he with her for the rest of their days here on earth! More than anything in the whole universe im praying she'll come back to fuller relationship with Jesus Christ, to actually living that lifestyle amidst His guidance, comfort, love, mercy, and grace. I also hope we'll find great love in our mutually content friendship, like we had before we fell.
Theres alot of thoughts i feel i might have breezed over but my anger, frustration has left me and i feel more tired, and at peace...so yeah thats all folks