Tuesday, June 30, 2009
DAM* DAM* dam* it!!! what the fould foul filth foul filthy foul heck is wrong with me?
i finally, after these six long months in a cryptic love labrinyth, i received a full fledged concrete tangible answer from the Lord my God, and I do everything but praise Him: i became sad, tired, upset, depressed, ignorant, and now im so angry that i can't even think straight.
*which is why i wrote this blog in my sketchbook, instead of taking a nap. it seems that my honest and truest thoughts come alive and clearer when i write about them.*
I don't know what i was thinking...God had thrown a red flag right when she first kissed me. But I wanted to believe that I was ready to take on this unexplored arena that we call love. In spite of my understanding that God wanted me not to date until college...well nevermind technically i still haven't been on a date. For i have never dated her, we were never official, we were just close friends...with strong feelings...who kissed.
Falling in, i believe we were falling together. I of course never having been in love before, fell to my doom. For she is currently in love with another guy, and i was the unexpected, unplanned, unexplained, unrefused icing on the cake. She's dated him for 3 years and several months and i was a fool for thinking she would ever love me as much as she loves him.
I still have a lot of questions, did she know deep down we should have stopped before it began?
I think so, for petes sake (XD irony) or wilpps sake she should have believed that somewhere deep down....why me? why did she love me?
~if i could i go back in time would i try to stop it?... would she? i honestly don't think i would...because in spite of the pain/depression i felt at times, the joy of the love we shared trumped every EMOtion.
i think it had to be that type of love that forms when one person likes the other and then the other falls for the liker simply out of the fact that someone likes them. Or it was both of us falling in love with the thoughts of the other liking them....idk.
~its unexplained, and it was a love that we both strongly wanted, so it doens't matter
Bottom line is, she loves him and i truly have to move on, there's no doubt in my mind as opposed to times before when i/we said i needed to move on before now.
Positives: 1) there is a friendship still here...friendship that needs to be reconstructed for the better of us. To a point where we can say i love you and not have one fall for the other. 2) i do believe that i was used -in the times when i fully relied and trusted God- by Him and planted seeds into her life that have a chance to positively enhance/rebirth her christian walk. 3) i feel a since of freedom and relief from the burden of love itself (thats personification; she was not a burden) . i do not want it to return for a loooong while...old doors have been reopened and i will hopefully be able to think clearer.
I do...honestly....i do hope she is complete, happy, blessed and content with him and he with her for the rest of their days here on earth! More than anything in the whole universe im praying she'll come back to fuller relationship with Jesus Christ, to actually living that lifestyle amidst His guidance, comfort, love, mercy, and grace. I also hope we'll find great love in our mutually content friendship, like we had before we fell.
Theres alot of thoughts i feel i might have breezed over but my anger, frustration has left me and i feel more tired, and at peace...so yeah thats all folks
Well afterwards we flew over the indian reservation, on our way home. They were dancing in respect and adoration for the creator of the skies. As a result the creator began to pour out the heavens water. Which he combined with the strength of the silky southern wind to present us with a magnificent storm to show his love and faithfulness to us.
Tinkerbell and I guided the lost ones back to our grand home in the tree. Once they were in bed, tink went to the fairy gardens where she has started a colony of lost fairies she has met or rescued from the varied places and stars of the universe. She is their leader, mother, and many a time their sister. They are the fireflies of your earth. They bring hope, guidance, protection, and care for all the lost fairies, children, creatures, and past visitors of Neverland who still remember the magic of their childhood.
It is very nice. I blew a kiss goodnight to Tinkerbell, and we went our separate ways. I peacefully meandered under the thundering clouds, and eventually made my way the dance plateau atop skull rock. There I danced with the wind and lightening, until the bulk of the storm had passed. I silently and swiflty soared onto the sunflower forest.
I laid myself down upon one of the tallest sunflowers. On top of it you can see the vastness of the ocean that engulfs us. It presents the sun's rises and sets unlike anywhere on the earth. The rain was pouring and I could not help but think of her. Without a moment longer in hesitation, I bounded onto a shooting fragment of light headed toward earth. Above its atmosphere, i sought after and took hold of a nervous and lonely rainbow. With the suns warmth and the rainbows elasticity, i wrapped the one band around the entire earth, as if to give the lost a giant hug. It was high enough where everyone could see it, when they wake up or as they go to bed. This is when she came.
Satisfied by the just pride of the once cowardly rainbow and by the knowledge that she would see it, i decided to head back. Appeased yet saddened by my trip to earth, seeing that this would be one of my first trips home alone in a long while. Slowly but surely i floated towards the second star to the right. But darkness overtook my light and i plopped down on a crescent star contented with sleeping here till morning. Hopeing that joy would embrace me as the happy thoughts rise in with the dawning rainbow of a new day. However Wendy, she saw the dimly moonlit rainbow through a gap in the overcast blanket of clouds and was curious to its birth.
She grabbed a handful of pixie dust from her stash under her bed and silently soared out of her window. It has been several weeks since she had last left neverland. They had been long and tiresome for her. It was hard to find much sustainable joy in them. And tonight deep in the bowels of her heart, thoughts of her distant home excited the hope in her.
Lying there falling asleep, I whispered "i LOVE you wendy darling..." in one breath to the consuming night air. Without being told the eastern breeze carried my words to you as you were sitting quietly upon the rainbow. Soon the breeze guided you back to where i was sleeping. She gazed into my spirit, as our scarcely visible shadows embraced each other. As joy and peace abounded in her soul, she laid down beside me, her head came to rest a top of my heart as her hands firmly drew us closer together. The feeling of saftey, warmth, joy, protection, passion, love and peace cascaded over she and I, as we slept there deep into the dawn.
As the dawn gently became the day, my soul became consciencious of the companion laying upon my side. Every fiber of my inner-being jumped, and cried out in rejoice! 'She must have seen the rainbow shortly after i wrapped it' I thought. I was gratefully speechless...i saw her arms resting out on my chest and her head listening to the beat of my heart, which was slowly increasing. My hands found hers, and i gently drew her closer. Holding her side and her left hand, the heavens that give me breath sang out and their light seemd to be pulling time and space to a monumental slow. Each moment there simply felt like it lasted a lifetime. And our eternity of love seemed to sigh with joyous relief in the hope of life again. Waiting there i just watched over her, and earth, while everything was quiet, and peaceful.
My heart had finally started beating a quieter tune. However it sped up again as my eyes realized she was waking up. She noticed my hands holding her, and knowing that wasn't how they were when she had fallen asleep, she looked up. Our eyes greeted each other by saying:
Hers:I love you peter
Mine:I love you too, wendy
Eyes speak words but a greater longing drew us closer as we began to kiss. And our world was whole again. We mean an incredible amount to each other. Our love was rare and uniquely stronger than most love that is found on earth. After our embrace ended i took her hand and we flew above the universe. We saw saturn rings, explored the constellations of her choosing, and then flew back to Neverland. It was still raining, we didn't care. We watched the sunset...or was it a sunrise? Time had escaped us, it had become impatient, since we were in no hurry. We spent the rest of that day talking about what we've been doing, and plan to do in the future...
The future...the headache of all my thoughts. I never thought about it for a long period of time since only the future knew our plans...when was the next time we would meet, how long it would be until then, what we each would do, who we would meet, who we would love...she spoke of him again. And i knew they were falling into a snug pair of earth lovers undoubtedly...i was jealous, she was supposed to be mine. Even though i did not speak it, she saw the jealousy and discontent hiding behind my eyes. We tried, again, to understand and lay out the truth of our love and meaning to one another in words...we mean a lot to one another...an amount immeasurable for anyone of earth or neverland. In spite of what our fates may be, our souls had to...with this boiling pot of love talk and agreement, they desired more than anything to...to make love...one of the greatest bonds two persons could create. So there before their creator, the sunset, and the heavens of the universe, they made a bond of everlasting love...right atop the sunflower where they had first fallen.
It was two days since we had made love. I started training the newer lost boys Jared and Roger. Wanted to give them more practice within our field of aerodynamics. Took them to the thundering timberwoods in the northeastern forests of neverland. They were superb after Lewis-an elder lost boy- and i got done with'em. We weaved serptine between the wide trunks and soared above deep troughs in the forest clearings. Wendy had returned to London several hours after the sunflower event. However in fear of the unknown date of our next meeting, i taught her how to use her pixie dust to sned letters to neverland. You whistle a unique tweet of the lost friend or myself and a neverland brid stationed on earth will shortly come to where you are. Then you sprinkle the bird with pixie dust and place the letter in its pouch. The bird will bring the letter straight to who the tweet belongs to in Neverland.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me...
ON THE OTHER HAND
it matters alot
THUNDER BOLTS AND LIGHTENING VERY VERY FRIGHTENING
so you think you can stop me and spit in my eye?
so you think you can love me and let me to die?
OOOHHH baby! can't do this to me baby!
just gotta get out just gotta get right outta here
...i apologize for the above explosion of mixed feelings as a combined result from listening to Queen...lol
Last night I sought for Hakuna Matata, and lip sync'd to that and Scar's "Be Prepared". I also sang "Out There" from Hunchback of Notre Dame both Frollo and Scar (Timon, Pumba, Simba, and Quasi also have a fairly similar voice range to mine,but im more comfortable in their villians range) sing in my voice range, and i have a good imagination.
I also looked into my one of my devotional books for scriptures pertaining to some thoughts consistantly flowing through my head.
God agrees i need to be closer to Him, before i see her again...so i can...idk be content
with our progressing relationship.
One friend said i should put space between us while we were away...that didn't work out...however im attempting to become ok with some space in the inconsistant flow of communication/texts.
God is the only person i can instantly talk to...at any time of anyday, and expect an instant response back.
Not that im expecting to talk to her consistantly out the day, but wish i knew when she wanted to talk...there have been times i get paranoid about coming off as to obessed with talking to her...i have more self control than that...most of the time....lol
i apologize for this scatterbrained blog...just have the urge to blog...and didn't have a determined mindset like in my previous two blogs.
I am excited about the tennessee trip with my moms family! i am indeed.
i am also excited to begin my quest of seeing transformers 2 when i get there...please please please let me see that this week.. :P
Im going to see "UP"with my friendly neighbourhood vampire, after she returns home from her excursion to Denver...i wonder how her mother is doing?.... ;)
prayer prayer prayer prayer prayer prayer!!!
Lots O' prayers:
- safe travels for philip sorrells
- morgans upcoming trip to see her father
- my part of the driving that i'll be doing on the road to tennessee
- spain trip and all the peoples, rhearsals, plans, details, payments, sponsers, and more
- becca aragons last final for skool
- UTA registration
- Wendy Darling and all her relationships (friends, boyfriend, and her mother)
um...i believe this is enough blogging for the time being, will do another once i get to tennessee.
ttfn TA TA FOR NOW
Thursday, June 11, 2009
She is not living here with me, she flies back and forth between here and London. I've given her plenty of pixie dust and we've shared enough times to give her some happy thoughts to fly on. I didn't approve of this at first, but shes wants me to respect her life. However in this circumstance, how can I? Every time she travels back to London, she grows up a little bit more, all the while I stay home. In London there are boys, who are growing up as well...she...she has developed a love for one in particular. She tells me about him, but I don't like the potential of this budding relationship.
I...I..may be losing her...actually...I think I might have already lost her.
Why do I love her? How do will I prove it?
She was a stranger who had chosen to care for me, and gave me my shadow back. She was very pretty. Obviously I wanted to show her some sort of thanks, therefore I offered to take her and her younger brothers to my home. Little did I know my fall would come shortly after. As time flew by, we went from being kindly strangers, to friends, to closer friends, and then...it happened, we fell...together,...TOGETHER, both filled with a fervor of passion, and love...
I, (Peter Pan) who have brought many lost friends to and from this place I call home, soon felt a feeling of love I had never known before.
We have many similar interests, and passions...and this seems to be sustainable. I thought we should leave it all to our Faith, in the Creator of the skies, and our homes.
Soon after all that time, the fun and great moments we shared, Wendy, John, Michael, and Me, they chose...she chose to leave me and head back to their home in London.
Parting makes the heart grow fonder. And I waited and waited and waited. Then I realized that I hadn't given them any pixie dust, which i assumed was the explain of why they hadn't returned yet. So i grabbed Tink and flew as fast as I could to London.
As I glided down I peered into the window that had started it all. Then I saw them. She was prettier than I had remembered...and the boys were taller. John and Michael saw me from their beds, and nearly leaped out of them. But I motioned for them to be quiet, I wanted to suprise Wendy. I opened the latch quietly. I then silently floated over her and as I was about to do one of my great rooster crows my shadow fell too far into her peripherals and she screamed! But it was a good scream, one of sudden fear, great excitement and relief. She then embraced me like she had once before in Never Never Land... I felt reborn.
They were all eager to return with me, and for once in a long while I felt whole again. We returned to my home, relived many old memories, and made some new ones. However, one memory will forever trump them all: We were sitting alone, Wendy and I, on top of one of the tallest of the giant sunflowers, while we enjoyed some midday snacks, and from out of the blue she gave me what I would soon come to know as a kiss. After she kissed me I tried to comfort her, as my head slowly stopped spinning, and we fell deeper in love.
On the eleventh shooting star in the eleventh hour I wished that they would not choose to return home...but they did.
I was very troubled by this descision. She said the boys needed to grow and experiance some more things back in London. Yet there was another boy in London whom was starting to become a young gentleman. The one she had told me about, the one whom was my only threat to losing my Wendy...
The Lost Friends and myself spent the next 3 months or so living life to the fullest we could. However...I couldn't help but to think of her, until that fateful night.
I was sitting alone on the shores of Mermaid Lagoon playing my comforting Flutekazoo, when I heard her...my Wendy Darling calling for me as she was flying alone into Never Land. I was so excited to see her, I shot off the beach and flew as fast as I could to meet her.
There was a deep silence as we floated there just amidst the clouds. Each stared into the other's eyes...we held our breath, but as soon as our hearts began to grow louder and faster we rushed into each others embrace. We kissed and hugged unlike we've ever had before. That night we spent purley basking in the splendor of our love. Lying together on the shores, speaking of the good and bad times we've each had while apart. We held each other close that night, and into the morning.
Now you are caught up to today. We were lying in eachothers grasp, when I started to ask about the boys. And as she mentioned them his name slipped out...and I had to ask...how well do you like this guy? Do you spend a lot of time with him? A tear slowly began to trickle down her cheek...
While she was in London, this guy had won her heart and they were now in a serious relationship...as she told me this I thought I could have died.
Tears started streaming when she saw the look behind my eyes. And she tried to explain the burden that was on her heart, since she says she feel the strongest feelings of love for me and him...
An eternity of love seemed to have been within our reach...now that hope seems lost...
I escorted her home...I kissed her on the cheek...and hugged her, and the love it sang out to the world did not last long enough...
I let her go...and she gently glided back into her room.
We each know our love for each other is stong enough to survive...but she wants me to forget everything and move on.
I hate the very thought of that idea. The love that is there...how is it not the right thing?
Monday, June 8, 2009
today has been a great day though...
- i woke up early and lent a helping car
- worked with the prek, and kindergardten kids
- directed the recreation times for music camp
- said goodbyes, and graduated
- went to chiles with BOTH sides of my immediate family, and had an enjoyable time
- received an itunes gift card, a considerably sum of cash, and a compaq notebook presarrio laptop
#6 is the outlet i sought after my late nite acts which now result in my depression.
for i have not had a laptop to myself for even a full 24 hours and ive already committed crimes against the purity and benevolence of my spiritual walk in Christ...which is redonk-cu-lo-sa because i have not enacted such sins for several months now, on the internet at least.
He is here...in spite of the disturbing feel that ive fallen from grace...and He still knocks at my door offering GRACE for me...so that He can use me.
prayer and repentance should be a daily duo and combatant against Satan's potential footholds, not just for when he has already gripped said footholds.
matthews music is comforting though :) http://www.myspace.com/matthewcutchen
he's my best friend. God had originally intended for us to be one person but decided that it would be too much talent and love in one being so he thus separated us into me and him. XD
well i feel a little less burdened...time for prayer. afterall i have to get up in 4 1/2 hours, which is not a lot of sleep. however God can restore me enough in order to get me through tomorrows works and services.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
~~~in late march-thru early may i began, and believe to have felt the first stages of love. She is beautiful -in spite of what she says, and there seemed to be a mutually strong attraction to one another. However she has a boyfriend who has a few years advantage over me. I for one, was confused. She said she loves me and still does...just not to the fullest extent(which is reasonable for when one loves someone to the fullest extent they should be planned to spend the rest of their lives together in marriage). My problem is that i led myself onwards amidst my hopes, and dreams of my future wife...and held this girl (whom was the first to ever express such feelings for me, let alone the first person to kiss me...) to standards of agape-like love which should only be held for someones spouse...not some flourished affair of brillaint emotions, friendship, and affection.
Agape love honestly is only truly possible in a God to child relationship...and God is the ONLY one who can love us through ever circumstance, be right by our side during every second of our lives on earth and know/concur with ever thought that blinks thru our minds.
Therefore holding said girl to such standards would be irrational illogical and inconceivably futile...
which it almost has been, we've agreed to stay close friends and close friends we'll stay *Lord willing* until further notice. I've depended on God throughout most of the experiances, and the times i did He made it where i could find joy and contentment in complete and resound wholeness. Why i did not rely on Him through the every time ive spent with her is a merely a fool's enigma.
I was doing great for awhile until a couple nights ago i missed what could have been a very improtant phone call...
I do not have any bonified explainations, yet for the call other than the choppy, hormonal, and pratically tear filled voicemail that she left me. I was infuriated and depressed with my lack of faith...for i had said in some manners of speaking that "Nah God, You wouldn't some how guide us into a phone conversation, especially since its midnight! And it would be silly to call her since she's prolly already asleep, even if it was just for me to say goodnight" So, i went to bed, and awoke the next morning to find that i had missed her 2 phone calls and her haunting voicemail.
Ugh, Needless to say i was upset that day, and almost entirely consumed by the thoughts of what could have been said, and what she had potentially wanted to say to me in the conversation that only could have been...
That missed opportunity has severely caused a stumbling point in my attempts to move on with my life, for she advised me "Don't let me hold you back."
The couple days following i put it in the back of my mind. Only to find myself falling into the wantingness of a dating relationship with her (again), as the mere friendship actions and conversations filled our relationship.
Well ive been seeking God and relying on Him again. He has taught me to love passionatley the people who love me passionatley in return, such as my some of my closest friends...and family. I have indeed found more comfort, peace, hope, and joy in this habit which i should always pratice.
I hold her as one of my close friends, but will have to go through constant/vigilant prayer for self control, and contentment, in order to prevent my mind from dreaming of what all we could be...
I desire a female companion whom i can gleefully, fearfully, and passionately spend the rest of my life here along the adventure I'm journeying through on Earth, while under the Lord's guidance, love, mercy, compassion, and GRACE. ~~~
And i am just going to have to be patient in the Lord's timing for he has greater plans for me that i could never dream up myself... this is the cure to my EMOtions as long as i take it daily and genuinely, versus only taking it during the intense points.