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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I know what i want...

There have been some really emo emotions reoccuring through my veins these last few weeks, and ive only been accepting temporary sedatives... well you don't know i guess so let me back up for you.

~~~in late march-thru early may i began, and believe to have felt the first stages of love. She is beautiful -in spite of what she says, and there seemed to be a mutually strong attraction to one another. However she has a boyfriend who has a few years advantage over me. I for one, was confused. She said she loves me and still does...just not to the fullest extent(which is reasonable for when one loves someone to the fullest extent they should be planned to spend the rest of their lives together in marriage). My problem is that i led myself onwards amidst my hopes, and dreams of my future wife...and held this girl (whom was the first to ever express such feelings for me, let alone the first person to kiss me...) to standards of agape-like love which should only be held for someones spouse...not some flourished affair of brillaint emotions, friendship, and affection.

Agape love honestly is only truly possible in a God to child relationship...and God is the ONLY one who can love us through ever circumstance, be right by our side during every second of our lives on earth and know/concur with ever thought that blinks thru our minds.

Therefore holding said girl to such standards would be irrational illogical and inconceivably futile...

which it almost has been, we've agreed to stay close friends and close friends we'll stay *Lord willing* until further notice. I've depended on God throughout most of the experiances, and the times i did He made it where i could find joy and contentment in complete and resound wholeness. Why i did not rely on Him through the every time ive spent with her is a merely a fool's enigma.

I was doing great for awhile until a couple nights ago i missed what could have been a very improtant phone call...

I do not have any bonified explainations, yet for the call other than the choppy, hormonal, and pratically tear filled voicemail that she left me. I was infuriated and depressed with my lack of faith...for i had said in some manners of speaking that "Nah God, You wouldn't some how guide us into a phone conversation, especially since its midnight! And it would be silly to call her since she's prolly already asleep, even if it was just for me to say goodnight" So, i went to bed, and awoke the next morning to find that i had missed her 2 phone calls and her haunting voicemail.

Ugh, Needless to say i was upset that day, and almost entirely consumed by the thoughts of what could have been said, and what she had potentially wanted to say to me in the conversation that only could have been...

That missed opportunity has severely caused a stumbling point in my attempts to move on with my life, for she advised me "Don't let me hold you back."

The couple days following i put it in the back of my mind. Only to find myself falling into the wantingness of a dating relationship with her (again), as the mere friendship actions and conversations filled our relationship.

Well ive been seeking God and relying on Him again. He has taught me to love passionatley the people who love me passionatley in return, such as my some of my closest friends...and family. I have indeed found more comfort, peace, hope, and joy in this habit which i should always pratice.

I hold her as one of my close friends, but will have to go through constant/vigilant prayer for self control, and contentment, in order to prevent my mind from dreaming of what all we could be...

I desire a female companion whom i can gleefully, fearfully, and passionately spend the rest of my life here along the adventure I'm journeying through on Earth, while under the Lord's guidance, love, mercy, compassion, and GRACE. ~~~

And i am just going to have to be patient in the Lord's timing for he has greater plans for me that i could never dream up myself... this is the cure to my EMOtions as long as i take it daily and genuinely, versus only taking it during the intense points.

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