Time and Tide, Love

So its been several a month since my last post, alot has happened:

• cut down that ol' relationship/affair down to a measley acquaintanceship...buts thats more or less because im thick in the head and struggle in understanding her, or women in general.
• struggled a HUGE DEAL with pornography, trying to fill whatever void of imaginative lovelust i had. this brought me a greater deal further off course of my relationship with Jesus Christ. which is horrible.
• therefore i made a COVENANT (which is super serious business) with two of my closest brothers in Christ. this has really helped me alot! im so proud of them.
• i aced my first semester in college. :D im now in my second semester. im at UTA, studying art...film more or less.
• Christmas was unreal. very wonderful, my favorite time of year, bought AND made a lot of gifts. and Celebrated the REAL gift, which was God given us His son Jesus. i praise them everyday for their forgiveness and grace, and love.
• God used me as a tool to lead my cousin back to where he wanted to rededicate his life to Christ. which has been good for him.
• Im actually leading the young mens bible study on thursday nights, with my brother The Tank. my bearded covenant brother is finally back in school, and even though I MISS HIM GREATLY, i know we are all where we are supposed to be.
• everyday i recognize the fact more and more that me and my best friend Matthew are 21st century replicas of David and Jonathan from the bible (1 Samuel 18:1 & 2 Samuel 1:26). i wouldnt have gotten far without him in my life.

Amongst all that ive had my shares of up's and down's and the inverse of sorts, and variety of adventures along the way, involving: lots of gasoline for my NissanObot, girlfriends, best friends, sisters, brothers, movies, cinemarks, IMAX's, cookies, popcorn, ice cream, video games, zombies, music, music, music, pastels, inks, and nepaleonese paper.

Tonight ive had a fickled day of stress and depression accumlated from my sheer dislike of excessive desicion making, however i just watched Pirates of the Caribbean At World's End, (which is awesome) and know deep down that...it would matter

p.s. the last 3 bold words is reference to a skillet song called "would it matter" off their new album AWAKE.

pp.ss. i plan on having a spectacular adventure, involving the sea and maybe my marriage on a pirate ship.

T T F N [ta ta for now]
Love,
Phillip

train of thought

CHOOO CHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL ABOARD THATS COMING ABOARD THE PHILLIPS TRAIN OF THOUGHT!!!

ok ok so this will not be a narrative or a whatever idk. so yeah im blogging because im having withdrawals from facebook and what not because of my goal to give it up for the 10 weeks im doing the "experiancing God" bible study which is really great thus far.

im gonna be honest i had a point...AHAHA! I was going to tell you about my day today!

so highlights: went to class, picked up swell friend Raina, took her home, then i went to my home, ate dinner, aired up my flattened tired, then got on the road to my bible study.....

here is when it happened. i was traveling along, speeding more or less down broad towards belt line, then i spy something on the road...moving on the road OH MY GOSH ITS A TURTLE!!! eereeeerrrrrrr (haha gotcha i didnt squeal my tires) i swerved out of its way though. then trying to recover from the suprise, i realized at its pace would still prolly get crushed! so i pulled over, locked the car, and i ran back down the road to where i had saw him. he had made to the otherside safely but couldnt make it over the curb! so after a few seconds of nervous evaluation i reached down and picked him up, so he at least would be safe and out of the street. i placed him down next to the man made pond or lake.
feeling very happy with my selfless deed, i waited for him to move out of his shell so i could take a picture. but it didnt. but i waited and its head came out some, i took a few pictures anyway.
then i received a phone call, getting up i answered their question and slowly turned around towards the turtle who after my first step, bolted into the lake!! which i now see why the tortoise beat the hare! because he was faaaaast! he got me good on that one, but i'll still enjoy the pictures i have of its shell anyways.


after said turtle rescue i went to cedar hood and picked up my new glasses which are framelessly fabulous! lol. then to bible study where we talked about prayer, it was all in all a very great day i suppose.

anyways so that was my day...

i'll now give you a brief synopsis update thing of whats been going through my thoughts lately:
im falling out of love with my wendy darling, so we both can move on in life. its been horrbly tough. but we each agree its for the better. im going to try and not deal with dating scene for a few months unless God presents a case sooner to me. another reason what im doing the excperiancing God bible study so i can try to grow in my communication and deeper love relationship with Him.

i love my best friends, and late night phone calls! so call me up whenever. im usually in bed before 230-3 A.M.

P.S. i got the new skillet CD "Awake" which is abosolutely suuuuuperb! favorite songs include Lucy, Monster, Hero, and Don't Wake Me. but thats just cuz i can relate to the lyrics in those the most. the whole ablum is amazing, and well done.

yours truly,
phillip

Two Songs On My Mind

~In Shallow Seas We Sail _ by Emery~
I got eyes in the back of my head and I see where you're going with this.
I'm not surprised. You take me for a fool. Maybe you're right.
If I was wiser I would not have let myself come here tonight.

You're such a sap. You never learn.
Here I am watching the summer fading. (The summer we shared fades away with the winter)Your hands were warm on my face. Now they're crashing away. (Your hands were cold now...)Slowly pushing me away. Pushing me away. (Slower than icy veins slowly pushing me away)

I knew it (I knew it) right from the start.
I've got this big, big hole in my heart.
I wanted (I wanted) to put you in.
But for some reason you just wouldn't fit.
You just wouldn't fit.

You're such a sap. You never learn.
Here I am watching the summer fading. (The summer we shared fades away with the winter)Your hands were warm on my face. Now they're crashing away. (Your hands were cold now...)Slowly pushing me away. Pushing me away. (Slower than icy veins slowly pushing me away)Pushing me away.

Lust kept giving men so many regrets.
Just this once is what we tell ourselves.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Ships don't sink if they have wind in their sails.
But if the wind fails, is there hope for me? (I guess your love...)I thought your love was safe. The promise you made...(wasn't so safe, the promise you made...)

Now I am drowning in your shallow sea; I swim.
(you are the storm, the wind and the waves.
you break me in two and toss me away)

You are the waves that toss me in.
(I fell apart when I fell for you)

How can I float above the water that fills my lungs?
(you are the water filing my lungs,
killing me softly without a word)

Killing me softly without a word.
(Without a word...)

~Crumble to Pieces _ by Phil Wickham~
You raise me beyond the skies, into a city of eternal light
Looking down on the stars, I fly into heaven, caught up in your arms

I Breathe Your fragrance, taste your goodness,
Crumble to pieces
Into Your love
In Your presence all my existence
Crumbles to pieces
Into Your love

I’m speechless what can I say
Words become tears
As You wipe them away
All my kisses and crowns at your feet
Fire of heaven burn love over me

It’s such a beautiful story
I’m face to face with the King of glory
You rescued someone unworthy, I know this is love

..Two very different bands, genre of song. Yet they both are christian and they both sing about love..

Window into my life

well i have bacterial pneumonia...nothing more i can say about that, other than i simply enjoy the fact that i finally know why the heck i have (and still am) coughing out my lungs.

im going to UTA and find that it is a superb college.

• my english teacher (aka the hulk) loves anime and punctured a mans lung at the age of 15.
• my astronomy teacher is too controlling, trying to go further in her own skooling experiance. but the subject matter is good enough for me to stay positive
• my art teacher.....eh, im still working out her. she's sort of an indian hippie, "free up your arms and wrist, so the pencil can flow" or something like that. my peers are awesome enough, lol tami vu is in there too, irony since she was in my ap art class, which may haunt me. the class is a basics course, so she teaching pretty much how to hold the pencil, which in both instances just and ridiculously unjust...but i'll get over that paradox oxymoron whatever.
• my political science teacher is on the alaskan youkon border on a police and rescue assignment for the first 2 weeks of skool. this guys means business, and he is going to be a great teacher, but the class just might kill me hears his website http://faculty.tcu.edu/rmillsap/index.htm

you can click "2311" under 'univ of texas announcements' to read his address to my class

• My film/video teacher seems to be similar to me, in several instances. which is good to some extent. ive already think ive got some cool classmates to co-film all of our projects with. this course is going to make or break me in my hopes and dreams on going into the cinema business. so...no pressure

Socially, I've got...well not a lot going on currently, since im quarentined in my room. But ive got some amazing friends in my life.

In spite of the fact God has taken them far away from me these amigas are some of the most amazing girls i know

Morgan: has always been someone i can look up to (spiritually) and i can always count on her to be iron when i need to be sharpened. she is a great example for any christian.

Kelsey: is very near and dear to my heart. she is half my comedy act, (pun intended) by her choice. Short jokes are my terms of endearment towards her.

Stephanie: is the newest in my circle of friends. But thats totally ok, she's a really fun person to be around, especially if you happen to be a fan of sister act 2. Also! she makes an ample amount of bizarre noises (and we'll hopefully make them for one of my movies in the years to come)

Back home ive got a slew of friends such as Becca, & Becca Rhodsey, Sara Kelley, Matthew, Kreider and Colin.

The Becca's are my artist sisters in Christ, and im thankful for our steadily growing/intertwining relationships. (since they are attending Uta as well)

Speaking of Mavericks, sara kelley is one of those and ive throughly appreciated our relationship. She's always checking up on me, when im sick or EMOtional. We share many similar interests, and old high skool friends. gitchy gitchy goo, sara.

now for my boys, they are all my accountability partners, and always have been there for me along my christian pilgrimage. Especially when having long talks about the womenfolk in our lives.

Kreider: formerly my missions, dnow and youth camp sleeping buddy. sadley thats over and done with. unless he comes to UTA likes he's thinking about doing. he's maturing in the Lord superbly, and is a great percussionist.

Colin: i would almost like to say i can look to him as a mentor. i know he would just shrug his shoulders or something since he doesn't really like compliments. He is genuine in our bible study discussions and everyday conversations. We shared many a loud car ride listening to great music, and great bands. Tu tienes mas mi corazon, senor Colin.

Matthew: oh matthew matthew..you know me better than anyone other person on earth. He and i have been living frighteningly, amazingly, and sometimes comedically similar lives! and we like to believe God had originally designed us as one person, but realized it would have been too much greatness and talent in one person. so he divided us. but i wouldn't ask for it any other way and...you are the david to my jonathan, and your love is greater than that of a womans! remember that.

Now slow down these aren't the only people in my life, there are still a great number of friends who i cherish to have in my life. But these were the ones i chose for this blog. I care for and want to be a part of pratically all the relationships God places on my path, but He gives and takes away. I cherish the works he does through and in them! :)

I was going to close with a song by Phil Wickham, but i changed my mind (and will blog it right after this one with two emery songs) BECAUSE i really wanted to share this video, that has already brightened my day up 3 times today! i hope you enjoy it as much i do!!! and believe me this is has really no relation at all to what we've been discussing other than the fact that it makes me extremely happy! so don't even try to guess what it is, just click the link. :D :D :D :D

http://www.tangle.com/view_video?viewkey=cc3411858b588c7e6746

Loving oneself

It has been said you cannot love another without first loving yourself...otherwise you'd be hypocritical, right?

A friend of mine needs reasons for loving herself

so here are a few:
you are genuine
you are honest
you are caring
you are a teacher
you are a pretty devoted sister
you are encouraging
you are comforting
you are funny *discrestion advised* ;)
you are fun to be around
you are a lover
you are a independant person, who knows when and how to depend on others
you are understanding
you are a gifted person
you are a passionate person
you are a person who effectively uses her gifts (artistically for one example)
you are a listener
you are a child of the King who you love because He UNCONDITIONALLY loves you, because He made you, sent His son for you, who died and rose again for you.

These are some reasons to love yourself...they are some of the reasons why i love you, and why we are best friends...

i pray this helps you...it is unfortunate that my phone was lost in a glitchy zone amidst my house...i wish i could have been there for you when you had first texted me, but i did not receive it until 30 minutes later.

bottling up

tonight i totally overreacted i thought/tweeted:

"this is one of the worst nights ever! i want to shoot myself in the face...so someone else can feel some pain..because right now it seems to be just me."

i hate dissappointing people, and as a result i do my best to make everybody content, happy....which i know I KNOW is impossible to keep everyone happy 24/7.

tonight i what i saw as an opportunity but the Lord did not, but i would not see His way. So when i finally came the point where i was emotionally felt as if i was about to be quartered (by horses like they did back in the day). i caved in to his way... and i was incredulously angry.

on top of all of this lies the blessing/curse that i have been given; which is the gift to see every positive/silver lining of any negative situation. i believe this credit should be given to the holy ghost living inside me. and once i realized this (earlier on this evening) i did not like that idea...for then it seemed there would never be a genuine lash, or outburst of emotion geunuinely seen and experianced by another person...and i saw many emotions past present and future bottling up... and i did not want to explode and so i let go of some of it the tweet, and the rest thrived in my thoughts...

self control is hard thing...i have used it well many a time..im not perfect though. i will try to never see it as a curse ever again.

Wednesday recollection

sounds...in the stillness

june bugs, purring to the mama nature
the filtered water dripping into my fish tank
words being typed onto the screen
The score to 'The Phantom of the Opera' playing throughout the depths of my mind

ive come here,again, to question myself regain control over myself versus...letting my unconscieous spirit loose with the emotions, feelings, whims, along idle moments that apparate frequently amidst my life.

My mother cautiously asked why i was being short today...short tempered.

I knew i had been off and on...but hadn't questioned it. It didn't perturb me like it should. I know not what my flesh is doing or reasons behind my souls frequent desertions from body of a home.

I do believe i ignorantly send it away, every moment not spent in a somewhat righteous or God...Christ like thinking. This is not to suggest that anyone strives 24/7 365 days a year to be in a pure or holy mindset, and attitude. However in spite of the impossibility...it can be done with a genuine, and repentive, mindset that can is composed with integrity. A person with such a heart of confidence, fear, and determination can live on this earth. With the help of Jesus they can live a incredibly similar lifestyle that He walked...by blessing, loving others, while pointing them towards God.

My shortness, and a few other signs are symptoms of my separation from God. I need to spend some genuine time with Him...I need to 'Be still and know that He is God' (Psalm 46:10) so that i find myself wasting life in the idle moments it brings

My Thought Express

*imagine a 1930's southern mans' accent telling this story*

Life is splendor and we are the wind. Or more properly stated "gone with the wind"

We are not followers but rather partakers in its thrill of adventure that is mighty flexible to any and every circumstance. My friends and I would the authority call "criminals" but others see ourselves differrently...We live for the moments, that draw us together. We love what we do and we do what we love; plain an' simple.

Today flirting with the beaches of Destin, tomorrow watching the sunrise over the Smokies. There are side trips that we make in order to live such a life. Requires guns, girls and confidence to love off of Banks, trains, and automobiles; the neccessities to life's sustainability.

Girls are essential. They are emotional and many a time they are confusing. Darling put the her cart berfore the horse so that we could not see the horse that caused sorrow and frustration into her cart...may have to shoot that horse. ...nawh don't reckon I would honestly shoot down whatever it is...but I sure as oxygen want it good and gone from my Darling.

"We were having so much fun today, we're not thinking about tomorrow..." unfortunatley we've found out the harder way...that has proven the redecision in our motto...some misfortunate deaths have occured amidst the group and we know our time is coming to a close.

Time for the Train. It is coming into town just to meet us.

I've got my girl, my basette hound, a stringed guitar and a empty canvas...LETS GO

...pratically unabridged emotion

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
DAM* DAM* dam* it!!! what the fould foul filth foul filthy foul heck is wrong with me?

i finally, after these six long months in a cryptic love labrinyth, i received a full fledged concrete tangible answer from the Lord my God, and I do everything but praise Him: i became sad, tired, upset, depressed, ignorant, and now im so angry that i can't even think straight.

*which is why i wrote this blog in my sketchbook, instead of taking a nap. it seems that my honest and truest thoughts come alive and clearer when i write about them.*

I don't know what i was thinking...God had thrown a red flag right when she first kissed me. But I wanted to believe that I was ready to take on this unexplored arena that we call love. In spite of my understanding that God wanted me not to date until college...well nevermind technically i still haven't been on a date. For i have never dated her, we were never official, we were just close friends...with strong feelings...who kissed.

Falling in, i believe we were falling together. I of course never having been in love before, fell to my doom. For she is currently in love with another guy, and i was the unexpected, unplanned, unexplained, unrefused icing on the cake. She's dated him for 3 years and several months and i was a fool for thinking she would ever love me as much as she loves him.

why?...sigh

I still have a lot of questions, did she know deep down we should have stopped before it began?
I think so, for petes sake (XD irony) or wilpps sake she should have believed that somewhere deep down....why me? why did she love me?

~if i could i go back in time would i try to stop it?... would she? i honestly don't think i would...because in spite of the pain/depression i felt at times, the joy of the love we shared trumped every EMOtion.

i think it had to be that type of love that forms when one person likes the other and then the other falls for the liker simply out of the fact that someone likes them. Or it was both of us falling in love with the thoughts of the other liking them....idk.

~its unexplained, and it was a love that we both strongly wanted, so it doens't matter

Bottom line is, she loves him and i truly have to move on, there's no doubt in my mind as opposed to times before when i/we said i needed to move on before now.

Positives: 1) there is a friendship still here...friendship that needs to be reconstructed for the better of us. To a point where we can say i love you and not have one fall for the other. 2) i do believe that i was used -in the times when i fully relied and trusted God- by Him and planted seeds into her life that have a chance to positively enhance/rebirth her christian walk. 3) i feel a since of freedom and relief from the burden of love itself (thats personification; she was not a burden) . i do not want it to return for a loooong while...old doors have been reopened and i will hopefully be able to think clearer.

I do...honestly....i do hope she is complete, happy, blessed and content with him and he with her for the rest of their days here on earth! More than anything in the whole universe im praying she'll come back to fuller relationship with Jesus Christ, to actually living that lifestyle amidst His guidance, comfort, love, mercy, and grace. I also hope we'll find great love in our mutually content friendship, like we had before we fell.

Theres alot of thoughts i feel i might have breezed over but my anger, frustration has left me and i feel more tired, and at peace...so yeah thats all folks

an Unabridged Tale from Neverland

Today in neverland the lost friends and i went to mermaid lagoon and swam with the fish and whales of the ocean. We made a sand castle in honor of the Darling family. It was the biggest castle we had ever built. We placed an observatory at the second tallest tower for John. Then constructed an indian style courtyard including a tipi for Michael. And then covered the outside with immense flowers, nuts, vines, tree canopies, and a seashelled engraved mote.

Well afterwards we flew over the indian reservation, on our way home. They were dancing in respect and adoration for the creator of the skies. As a result the creator began to pour out the heavens water. Which he combined with the strength of the silky southern wind to present us with a magnificent storm to show his love and faithfulness to us.

Tinkerbell and I guided the lost ones back to our grand home in the tree. Once they were in bed, tink went to the fairy gardens where she has started a colony of lost fairies she has met or rescued from the varied places and stars of the universe. She is their leader, mother, and many a time their sister. They are the fireflies of your earth. They bring hope, guidance, protection, and care for all the lost fairies, children, creatures, and past visitors of Neverland who still remember the magic of their childhood.

It is very nice. I blew a kiss goodnight to Tinkerbell, and we went our separate ways. I peacefully meandered under the thundering clouds, and eventually made my way the dance plateau atop skull rock. There I danced with the wind and lightening, until the bulk of the storm had passed. I silently and swiflty soared onto the sunflower forest.

I laid myself down upon one of the tallest sunflowers. On top of it you can see the vastness of the ocean that engulfs us. It presents the sun's rises and sets unlike anywhere on the earth. The rain was pouring and I could not help but think of her. Without a moment longer in hesitation, I bounded onto a shooting fragment of light headed toward earth. Above its atmosphere, i sought after and took hold of a nervous and lonely rainbow. With the suns warmth and the rainbows elasticity, i wrapped the one band around the entire earth, as if to give the lost a giant hug. It was high enough where everyone could see it, when they wake up or as they go to bed. This is when she came.

Satisfied by the just pride of the once cowardly rainbow and by the knowledge that she would see it, i decided to head back. Appeased yet saddened by my trip to earth, seeing that this would be one of my first trips home alone in a long while. Slowly but surely i floated towards the second star to the right. But darkness overtook my light and i plopped down on a crescent star contented with sleeping here till morning. Hopeing that joy would embrace me as the happy thoughts rise in with the dawning rainbow of a new day. However Wendy, she saw the dimly moonlit rainbow through a gap in the overcast blanket of clouds and was curious to its birth.

She grabbed a handful of pixie dust from her stash under her bed and silently soared out of her window. It has been several weeks since she had last left neverland. They had been long and tiresome for her. It was hard to find much sustainable joy in them. And tonight deep in the bowels of her heart, thoughts of her distant home excited the hope in her.

Lying there falling asleep, I whispered "i LOVE you wendy darling..." in one breath to the consuming night air. Without being told the eastern breeze carried my words to you as you were sitting quietly upon the rainbow. Soon the breeze guided you back to where i was sleeping. She gazed into my spirit, as our scarcely visible shadows embraced each other. As joy and peace abounded in her soul, she laid down beside me, her head came to rest a top of my heart as her hands firmly drew us closer together. The feeling of saftey, warmth, joy, protection, passion, love and peace cascaded over she and I, as we slept there deep into the dawn.

As the dawn gently became the day, my soul became consciencious of the companion laying upon my side. Every fiber of my inner-being jumped, and cried out in rejoice! 'She must have seen the rainbow shortly after i wrapped it' I thought. I was gratefully speechless...i saw her arms resting out on my chest and her head listening to the beat of my heart, which was slowly increasing. My hands found hers, and i gently drew her closer. Holding her side and her left hand, the heavens that give me breath sang out and their light seemd to be pulling time and space to a monumental slow. Each moment there simply felt like it lasted a lifetime. And our eternity of love seemed to sigh with joyous relief in the hope of life again. Waiting there i just watched over her, and earth, while everything was quiet, and peaceful.

My heart had finally started beating a quieter tune. However it sped up again as my eyes realized she was waking up. She noticed my hands holding her, and knowing that wasn't how they were when she had fallen asleep, she looked up. Our eyes greeted each other by saying:
Mine: Hi
Hers:Hello
Mine:Good morning
Hers:morning
Mine:*sigh*
Hers:I love you peter
Mine:I love you too, wendy

Eyes speak words but a greater longing drew us closer as we began to kiss. And our world was whole again. We mean an incredible amount to each other. Our love was rare and uniquely stronger than most love that is found on earth. After our embrace ended i took her hand and we flew above the universe. We saw saturn rings, explored the constellations of her choosing, and then flew back to Neverland. It was still raining, we didn't care. We watched the sunset...or was it a sunrise? Time had escaped us, it had become impatient, since we were in no hurry. We spent the rest of that day talking about what we've been doing, and plan to do in the future...

The future...the headache of all my thoughts. I never thought about it for a long period of time since only the future knew our plans...when was the next time we would meet, how long it would be until then, what we each would do, who we would meet, who we would love...she spoke of him again. And i knew they were falling into a snug pair of earth lovers undoubtedly...i was jealous, she was supposed to be mine. Even though i did not speak it, she saw the jealousy and discontent hiding behind my eyes. We tried, again, to understand and lay out the truth of our love and meaning to one another in words...we mean a lot to one another...an amount immeasurable for anyone of earth or neverland. In spite of what our fates may be, our souls had to...with this boiling pot of love talk and agreement, they desired more than anything to...to make love...one of the greatest bonds two persons could create. So there before their creator, the sunset, and the heavens of the universe, they made a bond of everlasting love...right atop the sunflower where they had first fallen.

It was two days since we had made love. I started training the newer lost boys Jared and Roger. Wanted to give them more practice within our field of aerodynamics. Took them to the thundering timberwoods in the northeastern forests of neverland. They were superb after Lewis-an elder lost boy- and i got done with'em. We weaved serptine between the wide trunks and soared above deep troughs in the forest clearings. Wendy had returned to London several hours after the sunflower event. However in fear of the unknown date of our next meeting, i taught her how to use her pixie dust to sned letters to neverland. You whistle a unique tweet of the lost friend or myself and a neverland brid stationed on earth will shortly come to where you are. Then you sprinkle the bird with pixie dust and place the letter in its pouch. The bird will bring the letter straight to who the tweet belongs to in Neverland.